16.06.2016: I Don't Think You're Allowed To Call This a Meltdown

Okay so I wouldn’t say that I’m having a meltdown, but then again there is no solid evidence to justify that this is not in fact a melt down, as a meltdown is not something I have ever experienced in my life before this very moment; or so I am assuming.
You can class it as strange, scary and a little weird to really stop and look at your life, where you are, where you want to go and the high or low chance of your actually ending up there. I mean it is drummed into us even before we’ve reach our teenage years that we need to understand where we want to end up. Teachers and adults all trying to make us see that being a princess is not a reasonable career choice and that a teacher has a much more beneficial pension plan. Everything needs to be planned out by the time you turn 13, so understanding the fact that I am 19 and still really no closer to sorting my life out is a little worrying. You see only last week I felt out of a car, got stranded in London for 4 hours in the early hours of the morning and had a total of -62p in my bank account. I can’t even handle my finances let alone my career plans, if you ask me I might just leave it in the hands of someone a tad more responsible.

"My uncle's a lawyer and I remember going to see him in court and thinking, 'That's cool, too bad I could never be a lawyer." 
- Lena Dunham

 Back to the meltdown in question I do believe I have not already had one but these are in fact the steps that are taken to leading towards one. The ability of planning my life doesn’t stretch beyond the lists I make in note pads to help me in doing so. In fact I have changed my career path more times then I’ve watched repeats of doctor who and harry potter. I always like to justify why I have changed paths so much, they all started with the intention of life long plans and achievements, basically I wanted to impress as many people as I could and these seemed to be the jobs to do so. But I soon discovered very quickly just having the need of impressing people isn’t enough to keep me motivated in pursuing them further then the verbal acknowledgement of me liking them.
-       Teacher (Simply I decided that I would be too sarcastic to deal with children and after seeing how different 13 year olds are now compared to when I was 13 does kind of scare me a little bit)
-       Police Officer (This job was grown from my undying love of the great British television show ‘The Bill’ but very soon ended when I realised that they had to work Christmas day and most holidays.)
-       Vet (this one does not have a very long ending, and what it comes down to is that I just really loved dogs and wanted to spend the whole day surrounded by them, but then soon enough came to the understanding I wasn’t clever enough to pass any of the tests so that dream soon died.)
-       Psychologist (This is a little different to the rest of my dream jobs as apart from the path I am on at the minuet this was the one that latest the longest; and I can tell you know the two things I took from the 4 years of studying psychology is that it took me 4 years to learn how to spell it and also that when children are babies they secretly love one of their parents at any one time. When thinking about it now, those pieces of information being the only facts I took away from 4 years does in its own way give you the reason why I didn’t continue on that career path.)
-       Journalist (Let’s bring you up to date on todays job of choice. Writer. Even though it has made it onto the list it is not here as I have suddenly decided not to pursue it but more of the underlying factor that I am scared shitless that it will not come of anything. The one thing I want to carry on will die out of its own accord rather then from me giving up on it.
Reading the list above I sound like I quit a lot and gave up more then I try new things, but I still whole onto the fact that I was never na├»ve enough as a child to assume a space cowboy was a realistic goal to achieve. I mean I had imagination, or at least I think I did but the kind of imagine where you pretend you’re a mum or a teacher and therefore have the unspoken right to boss people around. Still up until this day I believe I was born at 25, mentally not psychically of course.

           I like to think of job choices the same way I think of most things if I ever become bored, disinterested tired or find something better then leave and move on. This is in no way the advice I would give to anyone else other than myself but then when I muck up and make mistakes who else is there to blame other then me. Well maybe I could blame my mum for not forcing me into acting classes and plays, making me learn to sing or turning me into the ‘stage kid’ at school, sometimes I wonder if my mum had been over the top, dance mum style pushy would I have been successful by now, had my name on numerous bill boards and carved into Oscars or would I still be here sitting on my sofa scrolling through Netflix writing about my career path. (I like to think it would have been the first option but then again that could be argued a with a fair few too many points. None of which I can think of right now.)
           To put it into perspective and of course another list my extending range of extra curriculum activities makes me appear to sounds cultured, exciting and engaged.
-       Dancing of the street style hip hop genre, learning to play the clarinet for a total of 4 years, moving onto football when in a handful of months I would hide behind opposing players so I wouldn’t be kicked the ball and only ever carried out one impressive move, adapting to netball where I am sure I was only good at it due to my height, swimming where I left because I was scared of open water and the chance of swimming in a lake that had poo and other types of waste within in and I am sure that rounder’s and rugby made a very small contribution to.
Now I know that list is impressive, it appears that I dipped my toe in many different types of ponds, when in fact seeing as I missed of running and general exercise as a interest both of which were a far 3 years apart from the previous activity I once again just sound as though I change my mind just a little too much.
           Maybe this is what setting the ground rules to a meltdown looks like. The underlining effect that I change my mind a lot and now I seemed to have agreed on something suddenly that factor is both exciting but if not 10x scarier then anything I have done before. And yet some how I am still in agreement that not really having a plan, being a little bit if not a lot scared is the whole point of being an adult.

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